Murder Is a Piece of Cake: Josie Marcus Mystery Shopper Read online

  Praise for the Josie Marcus, Mystery Shopper Series

  Death on a Platter

  “With her quirky characters and unexpected plot twists, [Viets] combines the perfect list of ingredients to whip up a cozy treat. . . . Without a doubt, Death on a Platter serves up her most hilarious mixture of mystery, love, and adventure to date.”

  —Fresh Fiction

  “Each of Viets’s titles is top-notch.”

  —AnnArbor.com

  “Engaging.”

  —Publishers Weekly

  An Uplifting Murder

  “Entertaining. . . . As always, Viets creates a heroine replete with wit, intelligence, and a sense of humor and entwines her in complicated plot strands.”

  —Mystery Scene

  “Viets designs a flashy murder with just the right amounts of sparkle and shine.”

  —Fresh Fiction

  “Fans will laugh at the predicaments this mystery shopper finds herself in on the job and sleuthing.”

  —The Mystery Gazette

  The Fashion Hound Murders

  “I’ve read most of Ms. Viets’s work. All of it is good, most of it excellent. This one is superb, maybe the best she’s written so far.”

  —Gumshoe

  “Elaine Viets does it again! . . . The Fashion Hound Murders is a hilarious story . . . [and] a fun-filled adventure. . . . Pick this book up if you are looking for a lighthearted read with great shopping tips!”

  —The Romance Readers Connection

  Murder with All the Trimmings

  “Viets milks much holiday humor in her novel, pulling out all the wonderfully garish stops.”

  —Pittsburgh Tribune-Review

  “Elaine Viets writes exciting amateur sleuth mysteries filled with believable characters; the recurring cast, starting with Josie, adds a sense of friendship that in turn embellishes the feeling of realism.”

  —Midwest Book Review

  Accessory to Murder

  “Elaine Viets knows how to orchestrate a flawless mystery with just the right blend of humor, intrigue, and hot romance. If you are looking to complete your wardrobe for the fall, you just found the most essential piece.”

  —Fresh Fiction

  “The writing and plot are superb . . . no wasted words, scenes, or characters. Everything advances the plot, builds the characters, or keeps things moving. It’s what her many fans have learned to expect.”

  —Cozy Library

  High Heels Are Murder

  “A laugh-out-loud comedic murder mystery guaranteed to keep you entertained for any number of hours—the perfect read for a rainy day. . . . Shopping, St. Louis culinary treats, and mayhem abound, providing for a satisfying read.”

  —Front Street Reviews

  “High Heels Are Murder takes Josie into the wicked world of murder, mayhem, and toe cleavage. . . . Viets spans the female psyche with panache and wit.”

  —South Florida Sun-Sentinel

  “Viets has written one of the funniest amateur sleuth mysteries to come along in ages. Her protagonist is a thoroughly likable person, a great mother, daughter, and friend. . . . The strength and the freshness of the tale lies in the characters.”

  —Midwest Book Review

  Dying in Style

  “Finally, a protagonist we can relate to.”

  —Riverfront Times (St. Louis, MO)

  “Laugh-out-loud humor adds to the brisk action.”

  —South Florida Sun-Sentinel

  “A fine, unique espionage murder-in-the-mall thriller.”

  —The Best Reviews

  Praise for the Dead-End Job Mystery Series

  “One way for a fugitive to hide in plain sight is to work at low-wage jobs, which is what Helen Hawthorne has been doing in Elaine Viets’s quick-witted mysteries.”

  —Marilyn Stasio, The New York Times

  “Wickedly funny.”

  —The Miami Herald

  “A stubborn and intelligent heroine, a wonderful South Florida setting, and a cast of more-or-less lethal bimbos. . . . I loved this book.”

  —New York Times bestselling author Charlaine Harris

  “Hair-raising. . . . Viets keeps the action popping until the cliff-hanger ending.”

  —Publishers Weekly

  “Hilarious.”

  —Kirkus Reviews

  “A fast-paced story and nonstop wisecracks. . . . Elaine Viets knows how to turn minimum wage into maximum hilarity.”

  —Nancy Martin, author of No Way to Kill a Lady

  “Elaine Viets reaches the right equilibrium with well-placed humor and lively plotting.”

  —South Florida Sun-Sentinel

  “A quick summer read for fans of humorous mysteries with clever premises.”

  —Library Journal

  “Helen Hawthorne is one of my all-time favorite mystery characters—smart and funny with a huge heart.”

  —Cozy Library

  “Laugh-out-loud comedy, with enough twists and turns to make it to the top of the mystery bestseller charts.”

  —Florida Today

  Also by Elaine Viets

  Josie Marcus, Mystery Shopper Series

  Dying in Style

  High Heels Are Murder

  Accessory to Murder

  Murder with All the Trimmings

  The Fashion Hound Murders

  An Uplifting Murder

  Death on a Platter

  Dead-End Job Mystery Series

  Shop till You Drop

  Murder Between the Covers

  Dying to Call You

  Just Murdered

  Murder Unleashed

  Murder with Reservations

  Clubbed to Death

  Killer Cuts

  Half-Price Homicide

  Pumped for Murder

  Final Sail

  MURDER IS A PIECE OF CAKE

  JOSIE MARCUS, MYSTERY SHOPPER

  Elaine Viets

  OBSIDIAN

  Published by New American Library, a division of

  Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street,

  New York, New York 10014, USA

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  Penguin Books Ltd., Registered Offices:

  80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

  First published by Obsidian, an imprint of New American Library,

  a division of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

  First Printing, November 2012

  Copyright © Elaine Viets, 2012

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights. Purchase only authorized editions.

  OBSIDIAN and logo are trademarks of
Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

  PUBLISHER’S NOTE

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

  The publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party Web sites or their content.

  For Mary Alice Gorman,

  who was there at Josie’s birth.

  Enjoy her wedding.

  Acknowledgments

  Publishing a novel is a team effort, and I’m lucky to have Sandra Harding, my editor at NAL. Thank you for a thorough critique. I appreciate the efforts of assistant Elizabeth Bistrow, hardworking publicist Kayleigh Clark, the NAL copy editor, and the production staff.

  Jinny Gender is my bridge adviser and Maplewood expert. My friend and Femmes Fatales blog sister Hank Phillippi Ryan helped with the television section. Thanks to Liz Aton, Valerie Cannata, Kay Gordy, Alan Portman, Molly Portman, Jack Klobnak, Bob Levine, Sue Schlueter, Janet Smith, Jennifer Snethen, and Anne Watts.

  Thanks to teacher MarySue Carl’s fifth-period biology class at Arroyo High School, El Monte, California, for their help with Amelia’s language. Go, Blue Pride!

  The Rev. Kalen McAllister’s good works include helping the homeless, visiting prisoners—and giving me information about life in the county jail.

  The Jewel Box is not open for weddings the day after Thanksgiving, except for Josie. It is, however, a beautiful place to get married.

  Thank you, Linda Dattilo, for explaining Molly’s trek through the court system and how she could wear a bridal gown instead of a jail jumpsuit in front of a judge.

  Doris Ann Norris is not a Maplewood police officer, but a retired librarian and a friend to writers. Big Dave the pizza deliveryman is Dave Kellogg, a pizza driver, reservist, and disabled Iraq-era war veteran who is now a contractor in Afghanistan.

  Special thanks to Detective R. C. White, Fort Lauderdale Police Department (retired), and to the law enforcement men and women who answered my questions on police procedure. Some police and medical sources have to remain nameless, but I’m grateful for their help. Any mistakes are mine.

  Cath Hoffner is a real person and a true pet lover. She still feels guilty that her cat Audrey swallowed that balloon ribbon, though Dr. Ted said it wasn’t her fault and many pet owners wouldn’t have paid for the surgery to save a cat’s life. Cath’s little girl, Kristyn, is now grown up.

  Thanks to Rachelle L’Ecuyer, Community Development Director for the City of Maplewood.

  Are you a fan of writer John Lescroart? Me, too. He bid one thousand dollars at a Left Coast Crime auction for a character name in this novel. John asked that the character be named after a buddy and former manager at Borders Fair Oaks, Tom Hedtke. John’s money will go to the Sacramento Library Adult Literacy Program. Thank you, John, for helping writers and readers.

  Many booksellers help keep this series alive. I wish I could thank them all.

  Thank you to the librarians at the Broward County Library, the St. Louis Public Library, and St. Louis County Library. Librarians are the original search engines.

  For my husband, Don Crinklaw, a heartfelt thank-you for listening to Josie’s wedding plans. Thanks also to my agent, David Hendin.

  Amelia’s cat is based on my striped writing partner, Harry, who snores by my monitor while I write. Stuart Little is a real shih tzu. His owner, Bill Lichtenberger of Palm City, Florida, made a generous donation to the Humane Society of the Treasure Coast to see Stuart’s name in my novels.

  Thank you, blog sisters. I rely on the advice and encouragement of the wise women in the Femmes Fatales (www.femmesfatales.typepad.com). Stop by our blog.

  Harry and Stuart’s photos are on my Web site at elaineviets.com. Please e-mail me at [email protected].

  Contents

  Praise for the Josie Marcus, Mystery Shopper Series

  Also by Elaine Viets

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Acknowledgments

  Prologue

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35

  Chapter 36

  Chapter 37

  Epilogue

  Shopping Tips

  Special Excerpt from Board Stiff

  Prologue

  Tuesday, October 16, 2012

  “Joshcy.” The man’s voice was followed by a crunch like a roof caving in. “Hwcjsh wejing ghocinng?”

  Josie Marcus was pretty sure she wasn’t getting an obscene phone call at nine in the morning. Then the man added a wet slurp, followed by another massive crunch. What was he doing with that phone?

  “Excuse me?” Josie asked. “Who is this?”

  The gulps sounded like a boa constrictor swallowing a whole pig, followed by juicy smacking. “That was good,” he said.

  Now Josie recognized the caller—Harry the Horrible, her boss at Suttin Services. Josie mystery-shopped for the company’s St. Louis office.

  Harry repeated his question. “I asked how’s the wedding going? You and Dr. Ted ready to tie the knot?”

  “Almost. It’s five weeks away,” Josie said. “What are you eating?”

  “A deep-fried cheeseburger.” Satisfaction oozed from Harry’s voice. Even Josie’s phone seemed greasy. She wanted to wipe it down. She wanted to wipe out the picture of Harry forming in her mind. Her boss had a thick brown pelt all over his body—at least the parts Josie had had the misfortune to see. Harry had hair on his flabby arms, fish-belly ankles, and stubby hands. Hair peeked through his straining shirt buttons, but so far Josie had been spared the full view of his chest.

  Only Harry’s dome was follicle free. Mother Nature had compensated by giving him a luxuriant unibrow.

  “Thanks for your wedding invitation,” Harry said. “I can’t come, but I got you a present. Wait till you hear what it is.”

  “You’re going to tell me before I unwrap it?” Josie asked.

  “You don’t have to unwrap this gift,” Harry said. “It’s your latest mystery-shopping assignment. I want you to shop wedding flowers and wedding cakes for a St. Louis wedding Web site. You can go as yourself—a bride shopping for her wedding.”

  He paused dramatically, like a game show host announcing a gigantic prize.

  Harry’s serious, Josie thought. He really is giving me a good assignment as a present. Well, it is a gift. Working for Harry has been awkward since I reported that surly sales assistant. I didn’t realize Saber was his niece. She deserved to get fired.

  Since then, Harry had given Josie nothing but bad assignments. She even had to mystery-shop pig ear sandwiches—and eat one.

  Niece or no niece, Josie lived by her code. Her mission was to protect Mrs. Minivan, her name for the backbone of America’s shoppers. Mrs. Minivan was overlooked, ignored, and disrespected. Josie fought to right those wrongs against the average shopper.

  “You want me to mystery-shop wedding flowers,” Josie said. “Do you mean all the flowers—t
he bouquets and boutonnieres, church flowers, and reception centerpieces?”

  “Naw, just the whatchamacallits for the reception,” he said. “The centerpieces. That’s why this assignment is a gift. It’s easy.”

  It would be easy, Josie thought. She’d spent hours deciding whether her bridesmaids should carry bouquets or wear wrist corsages. International trade treaties were signed after less debate.

  She’d take this gift—and hope Harry’s anger had finally cooled.

  “I’ll do it,” Josie said.

  “Good,” Harry said. “I’ll fax you the details. I need you to start today with a flower shop called Denise’s Dreams. They sell other stuff, but our client only cares about the flowers.”

  “That’s near my house,” Josie said.

  “See? I told you it was a present,” Harry said.

  Josie heard a rustling noise and guessed Harry was stuffing his take-out box into his office trash.

  “Did you really eat a deep-fried cheeseburger for breakfast?” she asked.

  “You need protein for the first meal of the day,” Harry said. “I need man food. The Carnival Diner makes deep-fried cheeseburgers. The chef used to work at the state fair. You should try his chicken-fried bacon.”

  “Does he deep-fry the patties?” Josie asked. “How does he keep the cheese from melting away?”

  “The chef takes the whole cheeseburger,” Harry said. “Meat, cheese, pickles, bun and all—batters and deep-fries it. The cheese turns into a warm pocket of melted goodness. His french fries are sensational.”

  “They’re battered, too?” Josie asked.

  “Of course not,” Harry said. “That would be stupid. You gonna go to work? That shop opens at nine thirty. You’re supposed to be a bride on a budget at Denise’s Dreams. At the other two, you have to say money is no problem.”

  “I’ve had plenty of experience with wedding budgets,” Josie said. She and her veterinarian fiancé, Ted Scottsmeyer, had agreed to follow a budget. But their plan kept encountering unexpected expenses. Josie knew their wedding cake would cost about seven hundred dollars, but she hadn’t factored in the fifty-dollar delivery fee. This job would help pay for the cake and the delivery.

  She dressed quickly, pulled the still-warm mystery-shopping paperwork out of her fax machine, read it, and tucked the pages into her purse.